O.P.M. HOCKEY CLUB
2nd XI Match Reports
Season 2006/2007
23/09/2006 (A) vs United Services Plymouth A, South Western District 1
anonymous author
OPMs had a taste of reality as they succumbed to a more experienced USHC side in the hot September sun. But in defeat there were some glimpses of promise with the newbies looking good.
In truth, neither side looked world beaters but with OPMs gifting their opponents possession too often and lacking positional awareness, it made for an open game which US managed to turn into short corners from which 2 of their goals came.
Missing from the fray was Frosty, Rob C, Chris P, Russ and Gareth which effectively reduces our attacking and creative options. With some of these being long-term absences we will need to review our selection process. Getting 11 on the pitch would be a start, as for the second week running we were scrounging together a side 5 minutes before push back.
OPMs looked nervous in the first half and went 2-0 down from short corners. Gary moved up front and suddenly in the 2nd half, after a rousing motivational speech by new skip, Ali, we came to life with some slick passing and movement. Inevitably, a converted finish came from a free hit, 2-1. Several chances followed but with no luck and 2 break away goals sealed the game for US.
The 2 debutants played well with some creative passing from ‘Bones’ and solid clearances from young Tuckett. Rob S has lost none of his energetic goal celebrations and was sporting a hairdo that made him look like he should be dressed in school uniform and back for his tea before 6 p.m! James Harding was a driving force and he and Pincher caused problems down the right. James’ football shoulder barge followed by throwing himself on the floor was a master class. Gary’s main contribution was to wind up the opposition and feign an injury so his team mates could have a water break. Johnson was knackered and played like a spanner. Honey wandered lonely as a cloud… and still has a very short attention span. Damien also looked a little out of sorts and most confused when he was put out on the right with 5 minutes to go. Ian further added to his misery by giving him crap passes which he expertly put out of play. Ali was solid and never once urged the opposing team on which, surprisingly, some other team captains in our club feel the urge to do!!! Enough of the game. Several points to consider. Gary is a ‘new man’-sensitive, caring and tolerant. My evidence?
- He now drinks a gay cider tipple with ice instead of his usual Wood’s Navy Rum and Turps.
- He said: “Normally poofdahs are really nice blokes”
- He has a very artistic photo of a famous cartoon character involving a creative use of body parts. (I’m surprised my mum(she is 75 after all) agreed to pose but …you’ve got to have a hobby, haven’t you?)
Score: USHC Plymouth A 4-1 O.P.M. AOPM Scorer: Rob Saunders
Team: Mingo, D.Tuckett (MoM), G.Tuckett, Ali, Ian J, Damien H, Daniel Jones, Pete H, James Harding, Rob S, Pincher
14/10/2006 (A) vs Penzance B, South Western District 1
by James Harding
Despite starting brightly, OPMs failed to recover from a scrappy goal conceded mid-way through the first half. We slumped to a disappointing defeat in the end, despite being the superior side throughout. James Frost looked sprightly up front, stretching the Penzance defense on several occasions in the opening minutes of the game, but was unable to find the finish to match some spectacular solo efforts. The Cornish side’s goal came from a short corner about 20 minutes into the game, struck neatly inside the near post – leaving Gary Tuckett on the line cursing that he couldn’t keep it out. Rob Cross had a great game with some storming runs from midfield, forcing a number of chances and free-hits. All this went to waste in the end though as OPM couldn’t convert their dominance into anything more than half-chances. The result itself was pretty depressing, and the manner of the defeat frustrating: the home side’s goal was under relentless pressure for a full twenty minutes at the end of the match. All guns were blazing, but nobody hitting the target hard enough to snatch a deserved point. Which was a shame considering the full two hour journey to get there, down those lovely Cornish roads. The most important lesson I learned that day was that long car-drives with Frosty are a bad idea. Not only did he get confused and overtake about six cars (and a tractor or two) on a single-lane road somewhere just past Dobwells, but he also listens to Disney records the whole way. And it is hard to play hockey when you’ve got the sounds of a flipping reggae lobster in your head, trust me! Anyway, the hockey! Late on in the game OPM were desperate for at least a point. We had enjoyed near-total control of the possession but each time the Penzance defense was broken down, the ball somehow found its way to goal blocked. The best opportunity of the game fell to Vice-captain Pete Honey. The chance came as a result of good passing down the right hand side, involving Johnson and Harding. Having worked the ball from our side of the half-way line and proceeded to reach the short-corner mark on the opposition’s backline, the ball was then cut back to pick out an unmarked Pete. He was left cursing his luck, however, as the keeper kept out his placed attempt, then saved well from his follow-up. Just prior to this, Frost was likewise left wondering how he hadn’t managed to finally put the ball in the goal. He took advantage of the ‘keeper’s poor positioning and made his run to the back post, but his diving reverse-stick attempt connected poorly and missed the unguarded net. This pretty much summed up OPM’s afternoon; no luck and no end-product. A couple of short-corners were well won as a result of colossal pressure, but no goal materialized for the away side. Penzance had nothing at our end, except a few well-thought out counter-attacks attacks which forced Paul Mingo into a smart save or two. It was evident how much the three points meant to the Penzance players after painstakingly defending their one-goal lead, as the final whistle was greeted by impromptu cheers from the home team. Score: Penzance B 1-0 O.P.M. A
Team: Paul Mingo, Damien H, Alasdair Rose, Gary Tuckett, Ian Johnson, Dan Tuckett, Pincher Martin, Rob Cross, Rob Saunders, Peter Honey, James Frost, James Goodship, Dan Jones, James Harding
21/10/2006 (H) vs Liskeard, South Western District 1
by Ian Johnson
So now it starts! The season has begun!
After a hairy opening, this was the dog’s bollocks! We’ve poured out some drivel in the previous few games and some players should have been taken out and personally shot (is there any other way?) for their lack of professionalism last week losing to a totally inferior Penzance side. To see elder players slightly worse for wear and then allowing themselves to be substituted without a fist fight was indeed embarrassing. Not so today! If you could have collected the team effort in a vessel it would have contained more testosterone than the combined urine samples at the Mr. Plymouth competition. And all this without several key players. Damien was on a sponsored traffic jam on the M5, James Harding was laid up nursing stitches after a freak injury suffered in the writing of last week’s excellent match report when he forgot to remove his head when shutting the laptop. Russ, Rob C and Poplar were all on call for the 1sts. This writer was on the verge of calling on the Scouse skills of his visiting brother-in-law and family which would have been a surprise to him considering he had never played the game. So with 10 minutes to go we only had 10 including Rob Saunder’s younger brother and…….then……a legend arrived with OAP bus pass in hand and his kit in mothballs in the boot. Arthur Norfolk! True Grit in pyjamas. Right from the off, the passing was slick and the movement imaginative. Dan Turner was a revelation on the left and his first time crossing caused havoc in the Liskeard ‘D’. But despite several chances OPMs still had not scored by mid 1st half. Was this to be Penzance all over again? Would our intense pressure bring a reward? Tension grew as first Gary then Ian J were green-carded although the latter was for running to reach a ball! In retaliation for this gross offence, a Liskeard player was yellow carded for excessive shouting in Johnson’s face. Down to 10, the Liskeard defence weakened and the scavenging Pincher put us out of our misery. 1-0. This was followed by a second from Frosty whose tireless running and dripping sweat was rewarded with a precise reverse stick slide mis-hit (of course, he will tell of full length dives and fingertip control, aiming to the top left blah, blah, blah…..). Despite some scares and a few close shaves at Liskeard short corners, the defence of Gary, Ali and the lithesome, Arthur, looked composed. 2-0 at half-time and OPMs were in control. But ‘OPMs’ and ‘in control’ go together like Madonna and Basil Brush and sure enough, Liskeard out-gunning us in the centre of midfield, made the pressure tell and found the gap between Mingo’s stumpy thighs which, if truth is told, was as wide as the Cheddar Gorge itself! We could have conceded another but for the efforts of our valiant keeper who redeemed himself with a superb block and take-out of the oncoming striker. At the other end we still threatened and a series of strikes and clearances resulted in numerous long corners, from which Gary managed to lob the Tim Chalmers ‘look-a-like’ who, when spreading himself large and long in the goalmouth, seemed to shut out all natural light! If Tim needs a stuntman or a body double for a forthcoming porn movie (..something like… ‘Mechanics across the bonnet 4: rear axle heaven!’…) then he is living and breathing in Liskeard. Still with 10 minutes to play OPMs tried to give Liskeard a lifeline by repeatedly gifting them the ball but we held out for a well-deserved victory. MOM was always going to be difficult with the whole midfield combining brilliantly, bolstered by the driving runs of Gary and the support of Ian J. Dan Tuckett moved up to right half and, spurred on by the vocal Pamela, looked the part. Pete H played his best game of the season so far and was always looking for the ball. Even Rob S’s brother made numerous telling runs into the danger areas. Frosty was immense and, enjoying great service from the wide channels-Dan Turner and Pincher, deserved to sneak it from Arthur. In her shopping-enforced absence much praise was heaped upon Sarah for her rabbit chilli, the main ingredient supplied by Glenn and Nicki, this week preferring a paper cut method for the slaughter of the little furry main course-“..you hold it,luv, I’ll slice…” Next week, Gary has promised a mole lasagne but prefers to use a spade to help the blind beasts on their heavenly way. Yum! Other possible treats for next week:
- Will Gary have a note from Pamela allowing him to have a 2nd half of lager and black?
- Will Ian Pring make a come back appearance?
- Will Gareth bring us back a stick of moose-flavoured rock from sunny Canada?
- Will Dan Jones be able to complete a non-verbal Mensa test during the half-time break?
OPM Scorers: Glenn Martin, James Frost, Gary Tuckett
Gary Tuckett, Ian JohnsonTeam: Paul Mingo, Arthur Norfolk, Gary Tuckett, Ali Rose, Ian Johnson, Dan Turner, Rob S’s brother, Pete Honey, Pincher Martin, Daniel Tuckett, James Frost
18/11/2006 (H) vs Plymouth University B, South Western District 1
by Ian Johnson
Reflecting on the performance, back at the clubhouse against a backdrop of the most beautiful purple sunset seen since ‘The Lord of the Rings’, everyone agreed that this was a comprehensive demolition and continued the progress (Truro apart) shown in recent weeks. The only blot on the landscape was the revelation that Pincher had exposed himself to a female supporter but more of that later...
The team is coming to terms with the loss of the more creative midfielders and it has provided an opportunity for others to step up to the mark. Gary T was dripping from his forays up the middle, Pete is linking well with the forwards and Colin and Damien played their best games of the season so far. MOM Frosty was immense and moves like a jaguar on heat! No longer can we call Rob S, ‘Miss Rob S’, as he converted yet another 2 far post tap-ins. OPM pressure was rewarded early but was then immediately rebuffed by a lonely Uni forward while Ali was having a nap.1-1. Indeed, he was copying the example of our most ardent supporters, John Stevens and wife, who sleep all through the games in the comfort of their Morris Minor. Although Tim looked masterful in dealing with a couple of shots the dominance of OPMs continued with several close chances. During one of Gary’s more successful advances he managed the gayest drag flick since Larry Grayson played for us in 1978 in a cerise and lime strapless number. The pattern continued in the 2nd half but with much more success. Ian J and the midfield continued to press resulting in more goals-Frosty finishing a wonderful quick passing move with a volleyed knock-in. This was the first time this Millennium that OPMs managed to dominate both halves and Pincher completed the rout with a follow through (!) after Gary’s short corner was stopped on the line. At the back the defence of Dan T, Ali and Damien were assured despite Gary’s frequent attempts to lose the ball in our half. Substitutes slotted in well and Richard and Gareth looked like they’d played as midfielders all their lives. But the day was soured over revelations about Pincher’s grundies. He proudly announced he was not today ‘going commando’ as he normally does on match day and proceeded to reveal his lucky pants to the virginal Sarah. When she came around, she was wailing about a dark black chasm and something pointed nearly having her eye out! If you are near Pincher on Saturday and here the snap of elastic just watch out... The poor Sarah was later challenged to another round of Gary’s favourite game ‘Lasagne breast prints’ which set Gareth off on a ramble about the nipples in the hailstorm that had occurred earlier that day and was, obviously, still preying on his mind. Indeed, he said he was tempted to issue a green card purely to get closer to the ‘chapel hat pegs’. Oh dear Gareth, you did spend too long in The Canadian wilderness. So next week we roll on to Ashmoor’s rubberized carpet looking for another victory. Score: O.P.M. A 5-1 Plymouth University BOPM Scorers: Rob Saunders (2), James Frost (2), Glenn Martin
Team: Tim Chalmers, Ali, Gary T, Dan T, Pete, Colin Wilding, Gareth, Ian J, Rob S, Damian, James Frost (MoM), Richard Davies, Pincher
25/11/2006 (A) vs Ashmoor A, South Western District 1
by Gareth Logan
The mighty OPM 2nd’s travelled to Ashburton to face a young Ashmoor side who were one of the few teams below us in the league. A 2nd team back to winning ways the week before was looking to build a serious winning streak and get a title chase going. The match was a bit disjointed in places but Ashmoor had very little possession in our half and failed to finish the few opportunities they did have.
Pincher opened the scoring just before half time to settle the nerves after a frustrating first half and the back post poacher helped himself to another just after the half putting away the rebound from a James Frost shot. After this the game opened up a bit and as the Ashmoor heads went down we began to dominate. The Tuckett twins at the back kept the opposition forwards quite for nearly the whole game dealing well with the irregular bounce, we also benefited with the introduction of Dan J and Matt which meant we had pace on both wings and two good outlets. This meant this maverick match reporting meals on wheel operations executive was dropped to left half and foiled a number of promising attacks for the opposition and was even complemented on his clean tackling!!!!! The goal scoring return of Russ also deserves a mention with two good finishes after some good link up play with Frosty, Johnners was once again a rock in centre of the park as long as he hasn’t got any more marathons planned before now and the end of the season we have a chance of promotion. So with the match done and a 4-0 victory recorded it was back to the Exeter inn, the only pub in Ashburton that Gary isn’t banned from, for after match sausage and chips. The Opm’s donned in there best blazers and cravats walked into the pub to find the opposition playing pass the parcel and pin the tail on the donkey. Matt the Mong’s chat up technique took a severe mauling at the hands of the barmaid maybe he should try some of Johnners philosophy, "when the smoke leaves the chimney you lose all control". It was at this point that Russ informed us he could down a pint of Pimm’s faster than anybody else in the south west, impressive!!! Throughout our stay in Royston Vasey 4 or 5 locals came up to us at intervals to learn what Opm stood for with a large amount of suspicion and distrust, Gary later explained he was related to 3 of them which explained a lot. Score: Ashmoor A 0-4 O.P.M. AOPM Scorers: Glenn Martin (2), Russell Owen-Moody (2)
Team: Tim C, Ali, Dan T, Gary T, Ian J, Colin, Pete H, Pincher, Dan J, Matt, Russ, Damien, Gareth, Frosty
02/12/2006 (H) vs PGSOB D, South Western District 1
by Ian Johnson
This was a lacklustre performance by OPMs but, nonetheless, a win which keeps the momentum going and lifts us another place in the league but if we play like this against better sides we are going to get our bottoms spanked! This game was more noteworthy for the prevalence of testicular incident...
Key losses of Honey and O-Moody meant we lacked a creative central midfield and, while Gareth took on the role manfully, never maintained the early control in the centre. The first 20 minutes saw a continuation of the slick interplay which has been a feature in recent weeks. Short one-twos, round the back, switching sides….oh yes, it was all there and, inevitably, Frosty tapped in his first after a menacing sequence of passes. With Gary pressing upfront, we looked dangerous on the attack but vulnerable in defence. Having weathered a few shorts and some hesitant clearances, Frosty responded with a clinical finish to a Pincher cross and Gareth assist. And even at half-time we all knew we had to calm down and pass it around to make our 2-0 into a cricket score. But did we do it? Did we heck as like with a fig roll... The 2nd half is best forgotten and we were lucky to hold out. So no comment then...except... We repeatedly gave away possession (no names, Gary!) and conceded short corners. But for last ditch tackling by Ali, Dan, Gary and Ian and the presence of Tim who, at last, had managed to prise out the tiny blond Ashmoor forward who had become stuck in his pad strap from last week, PGs might have pulled off a draw. Indeed, this is another clean sheet kept by Tim who has been immense guarding the onion bag. Ian J also weighed in with a goal-line clearance and some headless chicken running. Up the other end we still had chances with Pincher earning his MOM with yet more forays down the right supported by Colin and the 2 Dans on the left trying to keep Frosty well-serviced. Frosty so nearly had his hat-trick with a smart finish smacking the net just after the whistle had sounded. But we hung too high and too narrow which made defending much easier for the visitors and were slow to the 2nd ball. All technical jargon for 'we were knackered'. By the end both teams were lucky to have 11 players due to an outbreak of testicular complaints. This writer had already given Gareth a close shave in the nether regions in the first half causing a sharp intake of breath as it whistled betwixt (and much chaffing!) Damien went down minutes later clutching his crown jewels and had to be subbed by Dan T who, similarly, suffered a nasty knock to the nadgers. On came Damien….and yes..a second clout to the Jacob’s. Cor blimey, would you Adam and Eve it? A double whammy for Dammo meant they had swollen to the size of Aunt Bessie’s Frozen Dumplings by the end and there was a round of applause every time he ran caused by the slap slap of his nut sack! Mysteriously, a young PGs forward, trespassing in Gary’s personal space, also became poll axed wailing about some unexplained altercation with his Michael Schumachers…. And of course, Pincher had to show off his latest pant attire which he was wearing in honour of his Auntie Avril who had been bribed to come and watch. Obviously, these duds suit the berries of the rabbit-loving winger or maybe his performance was due to his new ‘Brazilian’ which he had acquired at the cosmetic servicing department at Wrangaton Golf Club. To everyone’s astonishment, Gary supplied tea: a wonderful Lasagne courtesy of his Italian family contacts in Bovey Tracy. A secret family recipe, I understand, which Gary would not divulge save to say it has taken ½ season to get the white sauce! The glowing effect, Gary assured me, was due to the special ingredients flown in by Aeroflot from Moscow by Air Janner. How appropriate that this culinary delight should be produced on Rabbit Awareness Day. Frosty does enjoy the little flufflets so... Enough of this trash! Next week is crucial. We have to show a lot more of the mongrel and be prepared to shed blood in the cause (not you Gareth). So best pants at the ready and pray for Gary to stop giving the ball away on one of his many kamikaze runs! Roll on USHC! Score: O.P.M. A 2-0 PGSOB DOPM Scorers: James Frost (2)
Ali RoseTeam: Tim Chalmers, Dan Tuckett, Gary Tuckett, Ali Rose, Ian Johnson, Dan Turner, Pincher Martin (MOM), James Frost, Colin Wilding, Gareth Logan, Dan Jones, Damien Hughes
Just a thing… When was the last time a defender won MOM? (just a query from ‘her’-the lovely ‘censor indoors’- But I now no longer qualify as I’m pushing out from attacking shorts and Gary’s never there anyway!
20/01/2007 (A) vs Bude A, South Western District 1
by Ian Johnson
This was never going to be an easy game but with Ali, Damien, Frosty all missing and a bare 11 OPM’s went down to a better side but not without staunch defending and a masterclass by Tim Chalmers between the sticks.
The gaps in the team sheet were filled by Pete’s ICT friends, Matt and Robin Woodward, the latter of whom sporting a mane that would have graced the Lion King. Indeed, it was lucky Robin played, as he would have missed his long lost brother in the Bude goal. OPM’s held out for about 20 minutes before a game of musical statues in our ‘D’ saw the defence waiting for whistle for feet, rooted to the spot, as a Bude forward slammed in their first. And that was how it stood at half-time thanks to Tim’s presence, Gary’s brutality and a lot of good luck. Decisions went against us but it’s Cornwall and is the Pope a Catholic? The 2nd half continued as previous but OPMs did seem to give the ball away cheaply leaving a chasm down the middle for Bude to attack. Tim was finally beaten by an expert flick from the top of the ‘D’-2-0. A third was deflected in smartly and OPMs pride was in danger as Bude began to swarm. Tiredness also became a factor with Matt choosing to leave many balls purely because he was knackered. Rob S and Pincher ran tirelessly while Pete tried to link midfield and attack without much success. Johnson, Dan T and Paul were beginning to chase shadows and a fourth goal was luckily disallowed. From one rare advance into Bude territory OPMs so nearly eked out a goal but with 3 of our forwards tripping over each other’s feet on their goal line, it resembled an episode of Come Dancing. Where is the knob to knob it in when you need it? Oh yes, Gary was as annoying as ever: tripping, tumbling and hacking with all the subtlety of Jade Goody and Bernard Manning morphed together…Oh dear, I wish hadn’t imagined that. Having been green carded early in the 1st half it was amazing he was still on the pitch and even managed to upset the Bude right winger to the extent that the moustached attacker elbowed Gary after the Ivybridge bison had pulled him down. A red surely….? But no! Only a yellow but would Gary let it lie….? On and on he went bumbling about the injustice of it all….and ….if he’d been umpiring….. Paul resorted to slashing his wrists with his gum shield to avoid the constant mithering from the South Hams green keeper. At one point with 2 minutes to go Gary called the female umpire over off the pitch to regale her yet one time about how it should have been a red…..with 20 other players waiting, bemused, to take a short corner! Gary claims he thought the game was over but even the Cornish Pixies were ready and waiting for play to continue. Quality. And then back to a plush hotel with soft sofas and the best mashed potato since Pincher strained his ‘Smash’ through his gossamer tights. No, seriously, it was…But the OPMs were a bit like a fish out it’s depth, the calm sun drenched atmosphere being spoilt by gravy spillage courtesy of Dan T and Pincher and much sibling rivalry from the Woodwards (Matt had now come off the oxygen and was able to talk) trying to decide on a new name for their band. ‘Chocolate Star’ is one of my favourites... But where was half our team? Oh dear, the advance party chose the wrong venue and never made it to Fawlty Towers. Probably for the best they would have only lowered the tone. We left Colin and Sonia sipping Pimms and Col wearing a smoking jacket and slippers looking settled for the afternoon. Will he back for next week? Score: Bude A 3-0 O.P.M. A Gary TuckettTeam: Tim, Paul Rushton, Matt Woodward, Gary T, Dan T, Ian J, Colin W, Rob S, Pete H, Pincher, Robin Woodward
27/01/2007 (H) vs Penzance B, South Western District 1
by James Harding
OPM began the game rather lethargically, overcomplicating simple passes and flying into tackles like Rocky. It seemed we were content to throw away possession and give away silly fouls in the opening minutes of the game.
That said, we were actually 2-0 up at half time courtesy of goals from Harding and Honey – the most unlikely of scorers! Pete registered first with an absolute howitzer from a short corner, followed by a close-range tap-in from Harding which clipped the foot of the left-hand upright on its way in. Confidence was boosted during half-time by skip Ali, who had many wise words (but no tasty JellyBeans unfortunately). Johnners ran the midfield in the second half, continuing his good work from the first. The midfield general commited to what seemed like hundreds of crunching challenges, and eventually the opposition pretty much gave up and went home. As it was, they were playing with effectively ten men; their centre-forward limped and moped around all game carrying an injury. The third goal came after good work in the centre by Johnners and Gary – who also had a blinder, displaying balls of steel at the back – to feed Pete. He was wandering around up front at the time, but pounced to send a clattering shot between the goalkeepers legs. El gole de la numero cautro added insult to injury: two confused Cornishmen on the half-way line couldn’t decide what to do with the hot-potato ball. What they didn’t see was the midget-like ankle-biting scrapper (Jim Harding) charging at them; having stolen possession, he proceeded to skin two defenders down the centre of the park, before slipping to Pete on his right, lurking on the P spot. With his back to goal, and with the keeper closing him down, the vice-captain showed brilliant awareness to offload to the onrushing instigator of the move, leaving Harding with an empty net. But it wasn’t that simple, and he mishit a one-handed reverse stick effort. As a result, the ball trickled over the line ahead of two breathless Penzance defenders. They hit the back of the net at full speed, sending the goal toppling over with a thunderous crash! Colin Wilding registered his first for the club, completing the rout with a golf-swing effort. The goal came after a goal-mouth scramble. This rounded off breathtaking performance from the claret-and-blues. Following the game, Johnners declared to everyone how he longed for a hand-job in the chips once he’d set eyes on Sarah’s chilli con carne.
Although Frosty was a contender for the coveted dick of the day award as well – on the way to the clubhouse he saw a ‘no right turn’ sign at the roadworks. Of course, the clubhouse was to our left; by J was having none of it, and the Rocky rebel swung around to the right. Looking thoroughly pleased, he turned to me and my bemused girlfriend in the back of his car. Only then did he realise his blunder and performer a tyre-burning U-turn looking utterly embarrassed.
Happy birthday Tim by the way, celebrating with a clean sheet!
Score: O.P.M. A 5-0 Penzance BTeam: Tim, Ali, Gary T, Dan T, Damien, Colin Wilding, Gareth, Ian J, Pincher, Jim Harding, Pete Honey, James Frost
03/02/2007 (A) vs Liskeard, South Western District 1
by Ian Johnson
Giving to charity is a wonderful experience-you wake up with a warm selfless glow knowing someone else has benefited from your generosity but there were so many charitable donations today that one might have wondered if Red Nose Day had come early. Certainly Red Faced Day it was, as OPMs went down with barely a whimper to a superior Liskeard side.
On the back of a great passing performance last week OPMs should have expected to repeat that performance and overcome the Cornish away disadvantage. But this is Liskeard with a pitch that has seen more upsets on the green beize than the Mad Hatter at a tea party. Remember Bodmin 5-0! Ancient History now but we just couldn’t get to gripper rods with the 50:50 polyester twist that masquerades as a hockey pitch. It didn't help that we started with as much energy as an 18 year old Ford Fiesta battery allowing a lively Liskeard to roam and thrust through midfield at will. Two goals in the first 10 minutes effectively put the game beyond repair as we continually resorted to long hopeful hits which gifted possession back to the opposition. When Frosty came on, he lasted only 33 seconds before being green carded but gave us an edge that was needed desperately. Attacking options were few as we played with only 1 up front. Despite this, OPMs had a chance cleared off the line and several unconverted crosses in front of goal. James H worked hard and looks a reformed character especially with his new peel-off tattoo that reads: "He who forgets his self-control is like a fisherman without his waders" I think we all know what that means...oh yes... Several players were well below par. Johnson was having a mare and there was little passing. Then a third trickled between the legs of the normally nimble Chalmers which took us into a half-time dressing down by the thorny Rose. He didn't mince his words and 3 players were reduced to tears by his hard hitting but truthful words. And there was an improvement as we trotted over the drenched tissues on the sidelines for the 2nd half. Gary continued his mazy dribbles, Frosty came deeper and fought like a beaver in a man-trap winning a yellow in the process, Pincher probed the right with increasing frustration, Rob S ran manfully down the left, Ali and Damien re-opened friction burns and spilt blood but all of this to no avail. A fourth and then two more charitable gifts as first Gary and then the Liskeard keeper gifted goals to the enemy. The final whistle couldn’t come soon enough as Colin and Tim resorted to kicking the ball back to each other on our goal line! The sense of pain was profound as half the team scuttled back to Plymouth and the other weeped into their pints. There was even more wincing as Gary told of his Ann Summers parties where he would wear a warm thong and 4 ‘ladies’ managed to squeeze into his boxers! Next week we play PGs ‘C’ and need to show much more guts and attacking determination. We’re at home and we know what we can do. Say no more. Onwards. Score: Liskeard 5-1 O.P.M. ATeam: Tim, Ali Rose, Gary T, Dan J, Ian J, Colin W, Rob S, Pete H, Pincher, Frosty, James H, Damien H
James Frost 
James FrostScorer: James Harding
17/02/2007 (A) vs Tavistock B, South Western District 1
by James Harding
It was a game when every pass seemed to find its target, and every time we attacked it looked as though we would score – 7-2 was the final result, but the endless string of chances meant that we could have taken it into double figures. All this, despite the ominous absence of the inspirational Johnners!
His replacement was Saunder's brother who ran the game in an eerily Johnners-esque fashion, sending through-balls left right and also centre and injecting some seriously professional Penalty Corners. The goals came courtesy of some excellent team play, with Pete Honey scoring two and Rob Saunders registering no less than FOUR times. Frosty chipped in as well with the game’s best goal late on, audaciously dribbling past the bewildered goalkeeper before slotting home the seventh. The game was won in the midfield for the claret-and-blues; the wingers caused absolute hell in the Tavi defense, with Rob scoring four on one wing and James H assisting four on the other, supported by some awesome work in the centre by Phil Saunders. There were evident signs of improvement too: Dan T looks as though he’s growing in confidence with every match he plays, and Colin Wilding had a blinding game up against Tavistock’s best player. Matt West deserves a mention too, having suddenly reappeared out of nowhere. He was brilliant through-out, playing in the stead of umpire Gary. The goals themselves were joyous to behold, the first coming as the result of a surging run down the right. Having mesmerised three defenders with sheer pace and flair, James H pulled back from the bye-line – Rob scored seconds later, pouncing on a loose ball in the ensuing melee. OPMs led 4-1 at the interval, having scored twice in quick succession late in the half in response to a scrappy Tavistock goal. The second half started brightly and the fifth goal materialized soon after the re-start; the Tavistock players watched Rob’s lap of honour with grim faces as they pondered their plight. Pete's first was a tidy finish, the chance resulting from a slick one-two interchange between him and Harding. (This made up for the goal a few weeks ago when the vice-captain presented Harding with an open goal for him to register the fifth on that occasion.) Soon afterwards Tavistock scored a second, their centre-forward nutmegging a red-faced Tim. The home side tried to use this to rally themselves, but it was futile. We were the superior side, and as a team enjoyed total dominance. Our superiority was emphasised when we played without the injured Westy for about 15 minutes. Even with ten men we couldn’t be broken down, and we bombarded the Tavistock goal as hard as ever. This resulted in several short-corners– but to no avail. James F then embarrassed the opposition 'keeper: he dummied his shot about three times; the goalie went to ground, not realizing that the ball hadn’t left Frosty’s stick, thus presenting the centre forward with an open goal. Matey in defense for Tavi was lucky to escape the game without a sending-off, the wheezy home Umpire deciding that pounding Frosty and Harding into the ground twice each simply for outpacing him befitted only a green card late in the match. Skipper Ali lead the team for a much-needed post-match warm down, and we headed back for drinks and chili con carne to vote one of the Saunderses as MoM, but alas that I cannot remember which one. (Their identical razor-deprived features make them difficult to tell apart...) Only home fixtures remain for us, so we need to target 9 points out of the next 9 in order to maintain our strongest possible finish to the season. "Let’s Be 'Avin You!" Score: Tavistock B 2-7 O.P.M. ATeam: Tim (GK), Ali Rose, Dan T, Matt West, Damien, Colin Wilding, Phil Saunders, Rob Saunders, Pete H, James H, James F
Scorers: Rob Saunders (4), Pete Honey(2), James Frost
24/02/2007 (H) vs Truro C, South Western District 1
by James Harding
OPMs claimed the scalp of their lesser opposition, but had to endure the elements in order to do so. We were slow to find our rhythm, and laboured through the fast half.
Truro took the initiative when their slick centre-forward dodged the onrushing Tim; with the big ‘keeper nowhere to be seen, he undercut the ball in the empty net. Skip Ali made a courageous attempt on the goal line, but the high ball hit his hand and there was nothing he could to stop it going into the goal. Simon Quincey put us back into the game, scoring a tidy goal after a long period on his own up front. The lonesome CF decided to come deep to collect the ball, and took control of Johnner’s clearance. Good awareness allowed him to release possession to the onrushing left-back James, who sent a 35-yard pass down the wing to Rob S. He in turn picked out Pincher, who drew the goalkeeper before squaring to Si to convert for 1-1. It was far from game over, however, and Simon was far from done. OPM gathered momentum after the goal, and would be rewarded with a second awesome goal, but not before enduring countless free-hits outside our own D with the wind whipping rain into our faces. In truth we were lucky not to have conceded a second: the umpires missed several kicks of the ball by defenders, who made desperate attempts to get control of the ball in the wet conditions. Gary decided that it would be fun to try to kill their CF (who admittedly deserved it), and left him sprawling on the Astroturf after committing what was almost a two-footed tackle from behind. Rob Logan was having none of it, and yellow-carded him despite his half-hearted protests. The felled Truro player was left fuming, actual steam coming out of his ears as the rain continued to lash down. No action was taken by the umpires despite him exhausting every swear-word known to mankind. Si soon registered a second as OPMs began to boss the game, dancing around the opposition goalie like some sort of crazed Brazilian from a Nike advert. The third came after Harding, who had replaced the injured Ali at left-back, went on a rampage up the field to receive another wonderful cushioned pass from Simon Quincey. Harding proceeded to nutmeg a defender before picking out the unmarked Pete Honey, who had an easy job of finishing it in acres of spaces. It wasn't all fun and silky from the claret-an-blues, however. There were many cringe-worthy moments throughout the 70 minutes. Most notably, Johnners decided that Damien needed help as he deemed the half-back to be dawdling in defense and kindly lent a hand. He brought his stick crashing down on Damien’s, somehow managing to connect with his ankle as well. Miraculously, the ball was cleared very effectively. Simon proved that he’s only human, too, by twatting up a very easy pass which would have left our Cornish opposition dead and buried: he, Johnners, and James all raced toward the goal against two defenders. Si had a choice: either slip it to Johnners who was closest, or to James who had the most space. He got confused, and decided that in fact the best option would to send the ball straight off the Truto backline, and the chance was wasted. Johnners hasn’t stopped going on about it since, upset to have been deprived of his first goal of the season. The full time whistle was welcomed by all, and we trudged back to the clubhouse after a hard-fought victory. Johnners and Simon were left alone in the kitchen, and the senior player was evidently still unhappy. He threw a tantrum to make his protests clear, inadvertently sending one of the pizzas to their unfortunate demise on the kitchen floor. Si, still wearing his hockey boots, stood on it unawares. Little did they know that fifteen minutes later Dan T would be munching on a strangely pepperoni-deprived slice with kookaburra engraved on the back of it... Score: O.P.M. A 3-1 Truro CScorers: Pete Honey, Simon Quincey (2)
Gary Tuckett Gary TuckettTeam: Tim, Dan T, Gary T, Ali, Damien, Colin, James H, Johnners, Pete H, Pincher, Rob S, Simon Q (MoM)
10/03/2007 (H) vs Ashmoor A, South Western District 1
by Ian Johnson
OPMs put last week's spanking behind them and ground out a deserved win against a young Ashmoor side on a beautiful Spring afternoon.
The signs were not promising to start with only 9 players and Gareth who looked like that old thespian sot (that's thespian, Gary) Oliver Reed after a particularly hard, 2 day drinking binge. But like the true pro he shrugged off the effects of "...just a bad pint..." and even managed to open his eyes by half-time and convert one of OPM’s goals. Dan T had ignored Gary’s advice and had tried to bungee jump off the shoulders of the tallest History Teacher in the South Hams, misjudged the drop to the playground and suffered knee damage. Frosty was on duty for the 1sts and deservedly so, as his recent form and sheer speed merits a place. Colin has stubbed a toe! While Gary was umpiring and nursing a tweaked hamstring. So 2 at the back and press forward at will. And it seemed to be working...until we went a goal down to a superb drag flick from a short corner conceded by Johnson. An immediate response courtesy of a (yet another) Rob Saunder’s tap-in boosted our resolve and the passing started to pay dividends. A slick move resulted in a Pincher finish to a contender to goal of the season. Oh, the beautiful game! Mingo, Monkey and Ali put themselves about to ensure we ended the first half in front. A change of umpires meant Gary came on but wearing gay tracksuit bottoms! It pains me to say it, but he did make a difference and put a great clearing pass through to Gareth, who had been re-energised by Paul’s jump leads, and combined with Pete to score our 3rd. But even with this cushion, OPMs kept Ashmoor in the game by repeatedly giving the ball away and worse still...not playing on to the whistle when there was an obvious ‘feet’ offence but advantage was being played. Another drag flick, which Johnson couldn’t reach due to a crossing player, and then a gift to an Ashmoor forward who had time to crack it through his legs with his back to goal. Luckily, OPMs continued to press and James H and Damien were linking well with their wide counterparts. Pincher is in a rich vein of form and is producing some penetrating runs and crosses. Rob S should have put in another tap-in and Gareth overran a golden chance and then...the ball sits up and this writer has the chance to score for the first time in 2 years. Perhaps he was already planning his corner flag celebration dance but he shot and missed by the breadth of a squirrel’s minge. In consolation Johnson provided the touch for Honey to seal the win. It was a game mixing some positives with some schoolboy errors. Rushton is getting more match fit by the game, Harding is realising the value of quicker release and Mingo is back! He played with all the skill and passion of a returning legend. There was a plentiful spillage of blood as well although Mingo’s admission that he had a cut on his ring (finger) has deservedly earned him the title of ‘The Ringo Kid’. Rob S’s trademark goal celebration was a joy to behold as the ex-Wookie fancier continues to put them away. Honey was ever present to hold the ball or make a touch for a runner. Back in the club, Rob Logan introduced a novelty-‘Honesty Minute’ to try and wheedle out the match fee non-payers. But it took on a momentum as Gary admitted that cricket is a more skilful game than hockey and losing to Penzance away left a big lump in his throat and it wasn’t caused by the lumpy gravy afterwards. James H confessed to his sexual frustrations as he demolished beer mat after beer mat with a frenzy of tearing. Paul admitted to pursuing a very dangerous liaison with his next door neighbour and seemed happy to live with the smell of sh*t in his own backyard. Rob L, outed himself, almost boasting of how he had spent 4 hours under his Italian lover, Frascati, and had the lubricant still in his ear! We learnt more in that 1 minute than you would care to know... Score: O.P.M. A 4-3 Ashmoor AScorers: Gareth Logan, Rob Saunders, Glenn Martin, Pete Honey
Team: Paul Mingo, Paul Rushton, Ali Rose, Ian J, Gary Tuckett, Pincher (MoM), Pete Honey, Damien H, Gareth Logan, Rob Saunders, James Harding
Match conundrum: The 2 ply paper napkins at the OPM suite are made by Benders of Pontefract!
17/03/2007 (A) vs PGSOB D, South Western District 1
by James Harding
For once, the OPM squad was full, the only absentees being Dan T through injury and James Harding through illness. Pete Honey was off skiing somewhere I think, but he wasn’t missed thanks to the awesome Matt West.
Monkey looked good in the stead of young Tuckett, embarking on many masquerading forward runs and also performing key defensive duties throughout the match. Alongside the balding Northerner, Tuckett Senior was typically less inspirational; he did manage to score from a short corner though, much to my devastation on the sideline. The game was a tight affair, with the PGSOB defense looking watertight and doing their level best to stifle the creativity of our midfield. Frosty sent the ball straight off the pitch for a corner from the pushback, taking advantage of a big gap on OPM’s right flank.
Ten minutes into the game, Frosty was replaced by Gareth – the ingenious tactical substitution paid off instantly with the big centre forward registering his 2nd goal of the season just seconds later.
The man of the moment was then involved in an unfortunate and disfiguring collision with the big PGs goalkeeper. He robbed the centre half and had a clear run of goal, but was outpaced marginally. Like any good centre-forward he cut across his man, who had no choice but to send Logan Junior sprawling at the onrushing GK. Gareth ended up with numerous astro burns all over his face, bleeding freely.
GARY MISSED THE RESULTING PENALTY FLICK, beating the ‘keeper but sending the ball onto the outside of the post with a sickening resounding ping. I laughed at him, a lot.
The gay-haired Umpire added insult to injury by blowing the whistle for half time just as Frosty forced his way into the D unchallenged. For the record, the silky striker missed the goal but protested that the shrill whistle had unbalanced him.
OPMs completed the 70 minutes in a thoroughly professional manner, grinding out a deserved victory. We put the game to bed with little time remaining, Gary T slamming home a PC for 2-0. For a team with a negative goal difference, they did their best to put up a resilient display.
The most positive aspect of the match was that all 13 players in the match squad were included, thanks to the managerial prowess of James H and Simon Quincey. 8 of the starting 11 were subbed at least once, as OPM explored a new rotational policy; the fresh legs made the difference in the end. Frosty, Matt, Gareth, and Dan J all displayed their versatility by playing in multiple positions (although not at the same time, as we know only Johnners aka Joninho can do that!)
Speaking of whom, it’s worth mentioning that the fun didn’t end with the final whistle – with the showers running cold, Johnners decided that the only reasonable solution was to wash his entire, considerably tall, body in the washbasins...
Every player showed bags of talent on the day:
- Damien T and Most Improved Player of the Season Colin Wilding were strong and influential throughout
- The solid partnership of Monkey, Ali, and Gary the back boasted the combined experience of 136 years of hockey
- Johnners, Matt and Dan looked like they’ve been playing together for years and passed well, forming the hub the team’s attacking prowess
- Pincher and Rob ran themselves legless for the team’s cause, making the PGSOB defense look more than a little silly on more than a few occasions
- The welcome return of Mingo has been celebrated with clean sheets in recent times, and it looks like the man never left
- Frosty and Gareth interchanged well, playing well whenever one or both of them were on the pitch
Scorers: Gareth Logan, Gary Tuckett
Team: Paul Mingo, Gary Tuckett, Ali Rose, Paul Rushton aka Monkey, Dan Jones, Damien T, Ian Johnson aka Johnners, Matt West, Colin Wilding, Rob Saunders, Pincher Martin, Gareth Logan, James Frost